I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. ~ W.E. Henley

Bitterness - Paolo Coelho

Before the full text of Paolo Coelho's recent blog, I have to say this scared me big time.. ehhehe Therefore I denounce my previous statement of myself being bitter. Im not derange people! so here goes, enjoy contemplating.... lalalallaa

Vitriol or bitterness

In my book “Veronika decides to die”, which takes place in a psychiatric hospital, the director develops a theory about an undetectable poison which contaminates the organism over the years: vitriol.

Like the libido – the sexual liquid that Dr. Freud had recognized, but no laboratory had ever been able to isolate, vitriol is distilled by the organisms of human beings who are in a state of fear. Most of the people affected identify its taste, which is neither sweet nor salty, but bitter. – that is why depressions are intrinsically associated to the word Bitterness.

All beings have Bitterness in their organism – to a greater or lesser degree – in the same way that almost all of us have the tuberculosis bacillus. However, these two diseases only attack when the patient is debilitated; in the case of Bitterness, the terrain for the disease to arise appears when we are afraid of the so-called “reality”.

Certain people, in their anxiety to build a world where no outside threat could penetrate, increase exaggeratedly their defenses against the outside – strangers, new places, different experiences – and leave the inside unprotected. It is then that Bitterness begins to cause irreversible harm.

The biggest target of Bitterness (or Vitriol, as the doctor of my book preferred) is desire. People attacked by this evil begin losing their desire for everything and in a few years are unable to go outside their world – because they have used up enormous energy reserves building high walls for the reality to be what they wanted it to be.

When avoiding outside attack, they also limit internal growth. They continue going to work, watching television, complaining about the traffic and having children, but all that happens automatically, without really understanding why they are behaving like that – after all, everything is under control.

The great problem of poisoning by Bitterness lies in the fact that passions – hate, love, despair, enthusiasm and curiosity – also don’t appear any more. After some time, the bitter person has no more desire. They had no more will even to live, or to die; that was the problem.

For that reason, for bitter people, heroes and madmen are always fascinating: they are not afraid to live or die. Both heroes and madmen are indifferent in the face of danger and go on ahead in spite of everyone saying not to do so. The madman commits suicide, the hero offers himself up to martyrdom for a cause – but both die, and bitter people spend many nights and days talking about the absurdness and glory of the two types. That is the only moment when the bitter person has the strength to reach the top of his defensive wall and look outside a little; but soon his hands and feet tire and he returns to daily life.

The chronically bitter person only notices his disease once a week: on Sunday afternoons. Then, as he has no work or routine to relieve the symptoms, he realizes that something is very wrong.

My Dead Heart

Im supposed to be on a self-help emotional therapy, so I shouldnt be watching romance movies or listen to love songs or read overly perfect novels. Its bad when sadness engulfs me, its much worse when I sense a spark of hope.

I keep forcing down upon myself that the world is not about nonsense love swoons and cupid struck madness. Bitter am I not? Maybe so, I cant blame me or anyone else about it, I AM BITTER.

My dead heart is not so dead after all, its on constant beating, yeah i can live with that. When would it flutter and jump again? Soon? Later? Never? Who knows? But I trust in a GREAT SCHEME OF THINGS, come what may as they all say.. For now, Ive got to move along, get a grip and pretend to be stoned again till the day comes. So I guess I should be holding on to that sparkle eh?

Hopeless Romantic.. WTF hhahahha

Flightless Bird, American Mouth-make me sad

Have I found you Flightless Bird?

I have this song on constant repeat for more than a week now. Usually after a day or two I get sick of a song and my interest just dies as sudden as it came. But for some bizzare reason, Im digging this one. For one, Im curious of the meaning of the lyrics and the melody is too soothing. I had thought its some cheezy love song, but when I saw the singer on youtube, I knew there was something more from what was projected from the song.

I get so much mixed emotions from this song. I wanna cry and just slump in my room while listening to Flightless Bird, American Mouth. LOL and its not even a love song.. hahaha

The song makes me feel there's something missing in me, which is not new really, but it magnifies that emptiness a thousand fold. I shouldnt even be feeling this way, gosh the song is supposed to be political. An expression of disappointment on what America has become and how the Americans have been apathetic to the obvious destruction and break down thats looming so near.

Maybe Im feeling the song writers sadness. Listening to the song over and over again, I cant help but wonder if there are still people like him who cares for their country enough to resort to such passionate poetry. I dont know, people around seems so motivated by self interest these days.

Still, Im brought back to my dilema, In taking the road less travelled, would there be that much difference? With this purpose not yet known, its hard to hang on a ropeless hope.

I dont know, I really dont know..