I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. ~ W.E. Henley

Date A Woman By Her Favorite Bag

There is more to a woman than her shoes - her bag!  Women are known to be cryptic which drives you men cray.  Therefore as bearer of  XX chromosomes, I extend my sympathy by giving you a short course on women's favorite bag designs and how it is reflective of some tell-tale signs and warnings regarding her unapparent quirks.  The objective here is to be able to asses if this certain lady with a certain type of bag would be a good match for a visual learner kind of guy like you.

Canvass and Knitted Bags


Soft and light materials mean that she is free spirited.  Quite the outdoorsy and adventurous chick; your typical young at heart beach bum.  You can drive her around with the car top down or windows open.  She really wouldn't mind the wind ruining her waterfall hairdo.  She can easily be one of the boys too; your friends will like her.  Her innocence will either annoy you or make you fall hard.  It all depends if you have a knight in shinning armor thing going on.

Sling Bags


A sling is a long cable thingy attached to the main bag, hence called sling bag.  The carrier will most likely take you for granted at the onset of the relationship because she will assume that you will always be there for her.  She might engage you in a forever swear ( look up The Fault in Our Stars).  You will get to tag along with her as she talks about the latest gossip and Hollywood fashion trends with her BFFs.  Someday one of her friends will try to steal you from her or just  try to hook up with you and THAT will be your ultimate test as a boyfriend.

Clutch Bags



Simply put, it is a rectangular bag that does not have handles or straps.  We hold it with just one hand which happens be adorned by our best statement rings.  If we talk to you holding a clutch with both hands, we are obviously trying to be cute.  So take note of that.  Confidence is a girl's main quality if she favors clutch bags.  It does take a lot of confidence to socialize with just one hand.  She is not fidgety nor does she have weird hand gestures when she talks.  Its safe to assume that she is classy and is usually elegantly composed.  You will become a good man by her side as she will constantly keep you in check.  Her grip on you will be admirable and you will thank her for straightening you out - if you are a mess like Robert Downey Jr once was back in the '90s.

Big Spacious Bags

Sinude
A carry all bag spells A-M-B-I-T-I-O-U-S.  Women who walk around with a bag that could fit at least a whole week's worth of paperwork is most likely a woman on top, or alpha female, or in your man language a succubus.  She can manage her life fairly well and can obviously live without you or your kind's affections.  The moment you show signs of unworthiness, like when you borrow a few bucks for a venti Starbucks, she will have you out of the door and will immediately write or erase you off of her bulky leather and filled out planner.  She will replace your penciled-in "couple thing" appointments by scribbling on the words "spa treatment" using the permanence of  a Parker ballroller pen.  You will be dispensable to her and you will, for all your life, feel inadequate.  So the advice: dont bite off more than you can chew is in order here.

Hard Structured Handbags

Lady Gaga's spiked Hermes Berkin
Man, you better be good at estimating trajectories and have a keen spider sense because the lady that owns this bag is red hot feisty.  The ingenuity of a structured bag is that its regal qualities mask its lethal features.  Do you know that those shiny embellishments on that bag are all metal and that it could bore a hole through your half empty skull given the right amount of force and speed?  Dude, wear a helmet, no amount of beefing up will prepare you for a bag whack.  Although you need not worry too much if you are a nice and sweet chap who remembers monthsaries and your mutually adopted dog's birthday.  Still keep Herb Dean (UFC referee) in mind and protect yourself at all times.

Congratulations!  You have been briefed.  Now go out and hunt for a girlfriend.  Pay attention to her bag first before you get screwed by her charms.

P.S. I wrote this out of whim and that I have no psychology related scientific references to back this up whatsoever.