Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

- St. Francis of Assisi

I just got my tshirt from the presidentof our class. I got it late, its supposed to be worn for intramurals to represent the law department, anyway intrams bores me, so its ok.. Funny how the print says "Pain Has a Purpose". Makes me think of all the pains i went through. Some of which still feels sore, some are just distant memories, some i shudder remembering. I do agree that pain does have a purpose, its just that we often times dwell too much on the hurt and suffering it brings. The anguish, sorrow, tears, sleepless nights, and trauma these pains bring make us not want to be in the same disposition ever again. Question, do we get the purpose? I think not. There is so many songs, poems, art and etc. that express the pain the artists feel, but rarely do you hear or see a contemplation or an understanding of that pain. I personally havent seen anyone in gratitude for the pain while in pain. Oh maybe physical pain being welcomed(self inflicted or otherwise) but welcoming the pain is different from understanding and accepting why it happens. But no one in their right mind would choose to be in pain, i mean do u? Ive welcomed pain but i didnt really understand fully or if given a more beneficial choice I wouldnt choose pain. Im thinking, I should post this phrase in my room, noh? It should be a reminder that though I might be in pain, this has a purpose? The question is, is the pain for better or for worse? I guess I'll have to find out after the pain subsides.

Hmmm lemme list my current pains and evaluate which of them I seems to bring a good purpose. In no particular order and category:

• not sleeping 8hrs a day
• the long list of cases i have to read AND understand
• my tight panties
• my hagard look (its a pain for women u know)
• migraine (pota tlga to)
• pressure to pass a 75% passing rate (hayoooop!!!!!!!)
• a complicated love life (fling lang)
• lvl 48 pa rin ang character ko sa RF
• no income
• wlang boylet (frustrated sexlife hahahha)

For now this is the list i can come up with.. I dont think there's anything too painful here, noh? Im thankful I dont have that many pains and its not at all seeping and tearing me apart. Mai purpose ba lahat? How bout the sexlife thingy? hahahhaha Thank you Lord, mahal mo tlga ako.. Try it, list down ur pains, maybe ull see or atleast understand its purpose..

Again im facing the neverending battle between me and myself.. Its always been like this, even way before I knew this is a war all of us really face on a daily basis. Me against me, isabeau vs isabeau.. Will I ever win, and if i do who is deemed victorious? GAGA!! eh di ikaw pa rin.. hayss me and my gaganess.. Its the usual evil side vs good side, i think.. hehehe But sometimes i dont know who's side im in, both of them are parts of me so inherent to who i am.. if one looses, half of me looses right? So technically its a draw? Why do i have to over analyse things, huh? me and my brain, so full of crap.. hahhaha But what am I aiming for in fighting myself, or in accepting this inner war? I hope to be in full control of who I am, no when to cast the evil me and good me.. Control is key in self actualization.. hayss words i say, i dont even understand sometimes.. why is happiness so, so distant? and i leave with that question.. good luck to everyones fight.

In the wheel of time

I had proposed to publish here, once a year, texts by Carlos Castañeda, an anthropologist who influenced my generation with his tales of meetings with Mexican sorcerers. For lack of space, I have not done so since 2004. Today I woke up thinking: Castañeda, despite all his critics and all his work that later on seemed so disorderly to me, should not be forgotten. So here we present some of his reflections. Intention is the important thing: for the old sorcerers of Mexico, intention (intento) is a force that intervenes in all aspects of time and space. To be able to use and manipulate this force calls for impeccable behavior. A warrior’s final goal is to be able to lift his head above the rut where he is confined, look around him, and change what he wants. To do so he needs to have discipline and pay attention all the time. Nothing is easy: nothing in this world is given as a present: everything has to be learned with a great deal of effort. A man who seeks knowledge must have the same behavior as a soldier going to war: absolutely attentive, afraid, respectful and utterly confident. If he follows these recommendations, he may lose the odd battle but he will never cry over his fate. Fear is natural: fear of the freedom that knowledge brings us is absolutely natural; however, no matter how terrible the apprenticeship may be, it is worse to live without wisdom. Irritation is unnecessary: becoming irritated with others means giving them the power to interfere in our lives. It is imperative to overcome this feeling. By no means should the acts of others distract us from our only alternative in life: coming in touch with the infinite. The end is an ally: when things begin to get confused, a warrior thinks about his death and immediately his spirit returns to him. Death is everywhere. Think of the headlights of a car following us along a winding road; sometimes we lose sight of it, sometimes it appears to be too close, sometimes the headlights go out. But this imaginary car never stops (and one day catches up with us). The very idea of death gives men the necessary detachment to go ahead despite all their tribulations. A man who knows that death is approaching every day tries everything, but without feeling anxiety. The present is unique: a warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants - that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself. Intention is transparent: intention (intento) is not a thought, nor an object, nor a desire. It is what makes a man triumph in his objectives and lifts him up from the ground even when he has delivered himself up to defeat. Intention is stronger than man. It is always the last battle: the warrior’s spirit does not complain about anything, because he was not born to win or lose. He was born to fight, and each battle is the last that he is waging on the face of the Earth. That is why the warrior always leaves his spirit free, and when he gives himself to combat, knowing that his intention is transparent, he laughs and enjoys himself.

Well Im back to playing massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG). I got crazy about World of Warcraft about 2 yrs ago just before I graduated. Now my time is eaten up by RFonline.. Really cool game. You might want to check the game out if thats your things also. The site is www.rfonline.ph this will direct you to the official game for philippine players. The game is made possible for filipinos thru LevelUp. The same company that brought Ragnarok here in the country also.

Since Im going back to an academic life again, I think I wont be able to waste my time as much as I want to. But hopefully I could still make time for nonesense.. hahhahah